Warning: contains discussion of disordered eating which some readers may find distressing.
England rugby international Ellie Kildunne has spoken candidly about developing body dysmorphia and an eating disorder during the 2020 coronavirus lockdown. Despite the high of scoring five tries in England’s Rugby World Cup campaign — including a solo try in the 33-13 final win over Canada at a packed Allianz Stadium — Kildunne says she felt isolated afterwards.
Ahead of England’s 33-12 Six Nations opener against Ireland, in which she also scored, Kildunne described how being unable to play competitively during the pandemic left her losing weight in an unhealthy way. She watched herself get smaller but kept “chasing” that smaller image, and body dysmorphia made her perceive herself as larger in the mirror even though she was small by rugby standards.
Kildunne, now with Harlequins and author of the autobiography Game Changer, says the conflicting views of her body inside and outside rugby — being seen as small within the sport but as big elsewhere — left her feeling like she never fit in. That disconnect contributed to what she calls a terrible relationship with food.
The situation came to a head during a physio session at her former club Wasps when lead physiotherapist Emily Ross asked if she was all right. Kildunne broke down, relieved that someone had noticed. Telling someone created accountability for her: if she didn’t stop for herself, she would stop because others knew and would be worried. Ross’s response and ongoing support proved pivotal in her recovery.
Kildunne says she now feels in control and can speak about her experience without being triggered. She wants to use her platform to show that life behind the scenes is not perfect and to offer support to others facing similar struggles. As she put it, being an England player does not make her a superhero, and she hopes to be the kind of friend and source of help she needed.