Warning: contains discussion of disordered eating which some may find distressing
England rugby star Ellie Kildunne has spoken about struggling with body dysmorphia and an eating disorder that developed during the coronavirus lockdown in 2020. Kildunne, who scored five tries as part of England’s Rugby World Cup win last year — including a solo effort in the 33-13 final victory over Canada at a sold-out Allianz Stadium — said she felt “really alone” after that high.
Speaking to BBC Sport ahead of England’s 33-12 Six Nations opener win over Ireland, in which she also scored, Kildunne described unhealthy weight loss while prevented from playing competitive rugby during the pandemic. She said she could see herself getting smaller but continued “trying to chase being smaller,” and that body dysmorphia made her perceive herself as bigger in the mirror despite being small by rugby standards.
Kildunne, who has recently published her autobiography Game Changer and now plays for Harlequins, said she developed “a terrible relationship with food.” She explained that within rugby she was considered small, while outside rugby she was seen as big, leaving her feeling she never fit in. “Maybe I was rebelling against everything, but not knowing what I was trying to aim for at the same time,” she said.
The issue came to a head during a physio session at her previous club Wasps, when lead physiotherapist Emily Ross asked if Kildunne was okay. Kildunne broke down in tears, having been waiting for someone to notice. She said telling someone created accountability: “If I’m not stopping for me at this point, I’m stopping because I’ve told you and I don’t want you to worry.” After an honest conversation, Ross became a key support for her.
Kildunne added she now feels “in control” and can discuss her experiences without being triggered. She said she has begun to recognise the influence she can have on others and wants to do more to help people who might be going through similar struggles. “From the outside it all looks perfect, and I want to show people that no-one’s perfect,” she said. “Just because I’m a rugby player for England doesn’t make me this superhero. And I want to relate to people that maybe are going through similar things and give them that friend and that support that I probably needed.”